I had my first fall last night

I was transferring from the chair to the couch, where I've never been before and I slid down between the two. Luckily my mother was almost down the stairs and we were able to get me up wiht the help of yoga blankets, a foot stool, a chair, the couch, my gate belt, the coffee table and I forget any other props. No panicking, just two women figuring it out.

I feel so trapped sometimes. there are 6 rooms I can go to in this house. I can sit in my chair on the commode and on my bed. It's frustrating and a little depressing. I really wanted to sit on the couch, but once I was back in my chair it was stay thaer for the rest of the night.

old hurts return

I am beginning to miss Scott.
This is hard. It's been over the past week or so. I guess it could be taken as a good sign, that I'm healed enough to begin to work on mourning again, but it hurts, it hurts, it hurts.
Widowhood sucks more than leglessness, at least so far.
In Austria I was asked twice if it had not be an accident, if I had tried to kill myself. Both times I answered that I missed Scott, but did not want to rejoin him. (in retrospect, I wonder why they didn't ask about drugs and alcolhal. I'm guessing that it's because they took a tox screen and found nothing. They asked in the States. I don't take drugs when I'm travelling alone. Well, I don't take drugs anyway, but I especially don't take them when I feel vulnerable, and traveling in a strange country where I have only rudiments of the language counts as vulnerability.)
Star is once again very precious to me, a touchstone to the days when I was whole and Scott was here.
I sleep a lot...

The Mean Girls in High School

This is a very weird post, I think.
Have you ever heard of post anathesia psychosis? (I think that's not the name, but it's the closest I can come up with right now.)
I had a case in Innsbrock. I was coming out of the anathesia after my last operation in Austria, on the day before I left the icu. For some reason there were 8-12 nurses there, all women.
Somethings I know were weird ideas cooked up in my own head. There is no way that it is the truth that the hospital kept a room identical to the icu where they practiced scenarios that might occur during crashes of the Austrian National Airline. (Does Austria even have a national airline?) Certainly it is not true that one of my roommates was actually some sort of robot that they used for drills and that if you didn't take care of the robot right it would blow up to the size of a walrus. I can't even remember what kind of robot my other roommate was.
(Although at some point earlier in my stay, I was convinced that she was actually some sort of ape with a singing career who had escaped from her producer. Let me be very clear, I was on opiates for pain. My thought processes were not functioning well.)

Well, I thought the nurses were out to get me. Some of it must have been paranoid thinking. But I don't know that all of it was. At some point they cut up part of my 2-piece colostomy bag system to prove some point. and they kept arguing with me--what was the point of that? I was not thinking right, logic wasn't going to change things. Why so many of them?

I wish I could understand this experience better. One or two of them were nurses I didn't like much, including the nurse who when I was in Maskentherapie and had got her attention when I was freaking out from it by knocking the finger in the little closepin monitor thingie on my bedside table, then moved the table out of my reach when she left. I felt surrounded and tried to hit a couple. It's hard to take a swing at people when you don't have legs. Much more likely to fall out of bed. I discovered that grabbing hold with one hand and hitting with the other was a better stratagy.

I wish I could understand this experience better...